sixteen.

Disassemble.
Reassemble.
Repeat.

Now, repeat that process multiple times. Does the current product look much like the original?

No?

Join the club.

fifteen.

"...And now that you found it, it's gone. Now that you feel it, you don't. It's gone forever."

The moment you realize something, you realize that oftentimes, the opportunity for action departed long ago. How many times have you felt exactly the same as a previous time? Exactly: in an exact manner; without approximation; precisely. Once you feel it, it's gone. The sun may rise and fall at the exact time as the day before, but does it rise or fall in the exact manner as it did before?

The one thing consistent about life is its inconsistency. The rhythmic instability of breathing. The constant change of a heartbeat throughout the duration of a day. How many times did you blink in the last five minutes? How about the five minutes before that? Life must have the undefinable, intangible aspects we can't control or it becomes stagnant. It loses the appeal it once had before. Imagine a filmmaker told the ending of a movie during the preview. Imagine an author revealed the end of the book on the back cover. Imagine you woke up this morning with a voicemail describing everything that would transpire during the day.

How does that sound to you?

fourteen.

Heaven is here...and tonight, we are the only ones who feel it.

"...failure to comprehend is in part due to the fact that the human mind is loath to search deeply into anything it desires not to believe."

Incomprehension of many things is, in fact, due to that very fact: that the human mind itself is unwilling to submerse itself into something (anything) it doesn't want to find the answer to. The subconscious, though we may not recognize it as such, is just as much a living, breathing part of our brain as the conscious. It is not simply a place where "forgotten" memories go to be stored, but it is, in actuality, a part of our everyday thought process.

Now pose the question: is it easier to forgive or forget?

Though forgiveness requires a conscious effort of conscience and will, truly forgetting something is nearly impossible to achieve. Remember that night where you laid in your bed, wondering what your purpose here was? Try harder. Maybe there was a song playing...how about now? Still no? It was the one night where you weren't sure which way was up. The one time where you felt absolutely hopeless. The one time where you wished, more than anything, that clarity would present itself with a flashing neon sign, pointing the way to understanding.

I knew you'd remember.

thirteen.

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you just said something (anything, everything) to someone?

I have.

What impact would it make on the friendship? What effects, positive or negative, would saying those words have on your future? Would they even matter? I sit here posing all these questions, but all for what? For another chance to further delve into the realm of "what if" and discover a world of missed opportunities? There comes a point when the human mind has done just enough thinking to push it over the edge and into a state of exhaustion. A point where you've exhausted all your options, yet you still retrace your steps, hoping you missed something. Yet, at that point, you realize something. You realize that with every ounce of energy spent, every last minute of time used up, you learned more about yourself. It may not be easy. It may not be the definition of a good time. It may not be what you wanted...but let's face it, when has it ever worked that way?

(Control + A, Delete)

It always ends the same.

twelve.

Oh, nostalgia...what a marvel you are.

Have you ever felt nostalgic for experiences that you never thought you'd look back on with the slightest bit of longing? It's funny how time can bring out the best in things, while you slowly forget the bad. Remember the people, places, sights and sounds that make up every moment. It's the sight of the sun setting against snow capped mountains. The streetlights seeming more like golden suns setting against the darkening sky. The people that, for even a small moment, allowed you to forget about anything that made you hurt. These are the moments we will remember.

These are the moments I will remember.

eleven.

What would happen if all the city lights went dark, if only for one minute? How brilliantly would the stars shine without the yellow haze to compete with? Would I be awake for such a time?

I don't know.
I don't know.
I hope so.

ten.

Oh, this mangled mess we call life. I feel sad, but I’m not upset. I feel stressed, but no amount of work accomplished will levy the feeling. I feel tired, but I’m too awake to actually fall sleep. I’m bored, but I don’t want to just sit idly because I have nothing better to do. Predictions? Contradictions. In a sense, I just want it all to blow over, but this is what I thrive off of. I feel like something’s missing when there’s not something to try and fix. I’m overly self-critical, but I’m confident in what I can accomplish. I wonder about the past. I’m inconsistent, but somehow completely predictable. Irregularly regular. Completely incomplete, yet oddly content. Oh, this tangled mess we call life.

nine.

Listening to the waters from the faux waterfalls created by the town lake, I realize that this is the closest thing I’ll have to an ocean. Listening to the carefully orchestrated melodies found in the songs, I realize this is the closest that I’ll ever be to knowing just what the master meant. Do they even see me as they live their lives? How many taxis can fit in a one mile stretch? I find it funny, the freeways are deserted, but the nightlife lives on well into the night. Introspection. Reflection. Pursuit of perfection. A reaction...simplified into a fraction. Why do I bother searching for something I’ll probably never find? Why do I dream of a life I’ll never live? I guess that if it makes a difference in one person’s life, it was worth it. However, then is posed the ever present questions: how will I know if that one life has been touched? When will that moment of clarity and purpose come? Who knows? I don’t. I don’t. I don’t. I’m searching for a speck of originality in a sea of the unimaginative.

eight.

The morning was short on time. The day was full of so much mediocrity that you actually looked forward to the uneventfully planned night ahead. The night seemed to follow the same trend. The setting? A recurring theme. The music? The same. The feeling? So familiar. How many times have you been here before? How many times have you heard this song? How many times have you felt so incredibly detached, yet so connected to everything? Pick a number and I’ll give you a thought. My mind wanders. I wonder.

seven.

What do you do when a decision is forced upon you? Do you rush into the first thing you can think of? Do you take your time (whatever time you have) and think it out? Or do you try and give a medium answer, hoping it will do until you can later make a real decision? No matter what answer you take to the original question, make sure you weigh out the pros and cons. Be honest with yourself. Pay attention to how you feel with each choice. Be sure to confide in the wonderful crutch that is close friends. You’ll be surprised how much of an aid an outside opinion can be in the heat of the moment. Stop for a second. Take deep breaths. Slow down. Life comes at you fast, if you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.

six.

This is going to be written down. This moment, this feeling, though near indescribable, will forever be remembered by these pages, which hold a great deal of my innermost thoughts and feelings. It’s the feeling of having perfect timing. The feeling of finally finding the perfect song to fit your mood. The feeling of being completely content with life. The feeling that everything will turn out for the best, though at times it may seem impossible. I wish the whole world could feel like this. I wish this feeling could last forever, but sadly enough, it does not…which is okay with me. If we never felt heartbreak, if we never felt any sort of pain, we would never know happiness, the one thing most all of humankind seeks most. In this moment, in this very instant, I am truly happy, and that’s all that matters.

five.

Tonight, on my way home, I stopped by the ex-steak house/concert venue that is mid-destruction. It made me think…when one thing can’t perform its designated task, it is torn down and replaced by something else. I also found it interesting that the building has begun to be destroyed from the inside out. All that stands now is the frame, with the rest lying in rubble around it. It’s a good thing the same thing isn’t true for us, otherwise, we’d be in big trouble.

four.

The sky is clear tonight. There’s a full moon, a few stars scattered across the sky, and a few clouds. I can’t remember the last time I just stopped and looked up. Maybe you’ve recently looked up with intent of finding something, seeing something, but when was the last time you just looked up? Tonight, it just felt natural. The reflections off of any mildly reflective surface astound me. It’s amazing to think of how bright and beautiful something so many miles away can be. I enjoy the night…particularly on nights like this. Since when did everything have to be complex to be appreciated? Why must people be pessimistic and discontent to receive attention? I’m not sure why, but right now, everything just feels right…not a worry in the world, not a care to crowd my mind…just pure freedom. Sight. Thought. Creativity. Love. All free. The way it has always been intended.

three.

Ever feel like your life is on autopilot, like you’re stuck in a rut that you just keep running those ever deepening circles in? Well, join the club. As a part of any normal person’s life, there will be excitement, moments full of life and vigor, but there will also be the moments where you feel complacent and monotonous. It’s completely natural. Though I would like to say, “Well, in order to counter this, you can…” or “The key to solving this is…”, I can’t. If life actually made sense, if life actually seemed like it had a rhythm and a rhyme all the time, where would the growth be? The best way to keep a level head is to realize that life isn’t consistent. There will be ups and downs, there will be highs and lows, and all we can do is accept it and move on. Once this is achieved, the irregularity this is life can once again continue on its ever changing path, both crossing old ones and forging new ones.

two.

How often do we actually stop for a minute and just take life in? Too many times we get caught up in the ideas of moments that we forget to stop and just take it in. Take the time to listen to an old favorite song…but don’t just listen, actually listen. You’ll suddenly remember the reason that made you fall in love with it in the first place. Let your mind wander back to the time you first heard the song, back to the time when that song first had meaning for you, back to the time when the song, for those three and a half some odd minutes, was yours. Allow yourself to feel again. Life, for many people, becomes numb after awhile. It’s a natural part of life…but if you never stop to wake yourself from the monotony that makes up each day, each hour, each minute, you might just find yourself lost in a sea of white noise.

one.

What is life? A series of tests? What is death? Another step of life? What is fear? An excuse? Why must we ask ourselves questions, if we already know the answers? Life is a paradox. One moment, something will makes sense, but only long enough to lead us to the next moment…when that same “something” makes no sense at all. It has been stated many times, that love is the only answer…but to what? What question could be posed where love could possibly the single, solitary answer? For example: a nearly-failed marriage? Sure, it takes love…along with determination, forgiveness, and a whopping amount of patience. Though a noble idea and a worthy thought, we are so blinded by our own hopes and dreams that we see straight through the solution, leading us to run circles around the problem, waiting, wishing for an answer. We focus so hard on one aspect of the solution, that even though it’s part of the answer, it then begins to contribute to the problem. Paradox? I think so.